The family all took a trip to southern Missouri yesterday for a friend's wedding reception. It was getting late, it was cold, and the music was kind of loud. I was having trouble feeding baby Z. We were both overstimulated, so I took him to the van for some quieter time and to be able to focus.
I was relaxing in my chair with Z. It was dark. It was quiet. I began thinking about death. Dying of cancer. Dying of old age. Getting old and leaving my family behind.
I don't know if my eyes were open or closed. I don't know if I saw it in my mind, or if I was actually looking at my right hand. I saw it getting old. The skin aging and greying.
I then felt the most intense sadness. A pure sadness for the space of seconds. Then a slight detachment and a feeling of pure joy began to come through. I felt (not sure if I saw or felt) I was looking into a black infinity mirror. It was dark, except I could see the light outline of the infinite rectangles going in.
I then became aware in my mind of what I was feeling, and I lost it. The feelings stayed, of sadness and joy. I began to cry.
I tried again to reach that place. I was not able to at first. Then, for a split moment, I experienced the sadness.
I felt strongly that this was the pure sadness of life. It was not a sadness from injury or fear. It was the sadness of the world. The sadness felt when leaving this life. They joy felt after was the love of God.
The only way I can describe the joy I felt was when you shiver from a chill. Not a teeth chattering shiver, but one like a cold moment passed through your body. If you can prolong the beginning of the that moment before the actual shiver. That's the feeling.
It was too much for me right now. I could not feel it for more than a moment. I cried tears of sad love for a few seconds. Of happiness mixed with sorrow. I needed to cry and embraced it. It was so amazing.